Concealed Feelings

Many people would dare ask me this question : "how's your lovelife?"

......................my answers:

- my lovelife's dead
- numb
- I'm single

That question prompted me to write this entry.

There's always this teenage issue on having these kinds of feelings towards the opposite sex.


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My First Crush
("It was natural" Regardless)
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The first time I've experienced this was way back in Grade 1. It was only an obssession; just looking at her, and of course I wasn't being serious with it because I regard that feeling back then as only natural and temporary. She was nice, attractive, intelligent, and a shy one I may say but she has a friendly attitude and somewhat an approachable being despite her shyness. We became friends, I was crushing her but never made plans to push the relationship better because as I've said; I was already contented being friends and I was really ignorant that time that I thought relationships really are easy. Well, she transferred to some other school around a year later so... poof.... just gone like a bubble. Our ties stopped after that. I never saw her again.

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Second Crush
(the longest time I've had a crush on, and the most memorable as of yet)
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On my grade 3 (or is it grade 4)... I had a crush on this girl. Well, still she was smart, attractive, and also has that "friendly" attitude. We started being close friends since then, but my classmates started teasing me to an extent that we (me and my crush back then) only communicate through letters. Haha, that was fun, and romantic; right now I find myself funny looking back at my elementary years. We did maintained our friendship; we never got into quarrels. She was the only one that I think is the friendliest so far. I did managed to admit my feelings to her but she never felt "uneasy" about it. She was still friendly and cheerful, like nothing's ever happened; she was able to maintain a friendly attitude towards me and I've greatly appreciated that. Just months ago, I went to my former school to get information about my height and weight (it's a PE thing) in their clinic when I happen to meet her. I said hi and she said so likewise. It's a nice feeling after all. Although, I found out that she's currently in a relationship; it's still fine with me. Oh well, thanks for the time you've spent with me and we've had a good run. Best wishes to ya. (this message is to her, if you manage to read this... :) )

The reason why I've lost touch with her was because I transferred to another school. Since then, I've lost touch to most of my friends there, especially to her; but I've regained communications to some of my friends through friendster and yahoo! messenger. It's nice to have talked to them again. Good times, good times.

The times spent with her are the times I'd never forget... ever. You've got my word on it.

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Third Crush
(the first time I've felt depressed about having a crush on)
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The time I transferred to my new school. I really had bad times initially primarily because I haven't adjusted to the new environment I was in currently. I was in a bad mood back then because I failed in a test which I don't grow accustomed of, when one sophomore (of course, I was a freshman back then) approached and introduced herself to me. I was startled that time because dang, this girl just came to me all of a sudden and out of nowhere just to introduce herself to the "new face". I did introduced my name and I found out that she was always smiling that time.

After that, I was asking some of my classmates for her cellphone number because I was willing to really be friends with her. We've been texting back and forth to an extent that I've spent so much on the cellphone load. (I never realized there was unlimited texting.. lol).

With the cheery face and friendly personality; we became friends... almost, close friends even.

The days passed, we are having a good relationship; a friendly relationship. I admit, her smiles would cheer me up everyday we've met each other. I thought at that time, this might turn out good. I've confessed my feelings to her but only through text, I've no guts telling her in person. I was feeling a little bit "uncomfortable" back then. We continue talking only through private messaging in friendster and sometimes, texting.

I've never imagined it'd turn out the other way around.

Things just changed, mainly because the others started teasing me and her; that might've prompted her to act different towards me. I even hear rumours of her talking behind my back. Now I feel uneasy even when I think or hear her name. It's a livin' nightmare I tell ya. I've spent 3 school years feeling uneasy. I don't know why who's really changed.. her or me but one thing's for sure... it never stayed the same again.

We've made peace and reconciled each other before she graduated. Best wishes. Thanks for the time spent of course, I meant the friendship.

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Intermission
(A Nice Feeling)
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I found out that one of my friends has a crush on me (I found it out on her friendster account.. on the comments page). Well, it was nice knowing that someone finally admires you but the reason I couldn't feel the same because.. you might not believe this, but "we never actually met in person". We just happen to know each other in MIRC - "a chatroom". Well, I don't know why she feels that way to me even though we haven't actually met but I'm still glad that someone would care for me that much. That explains the "friendship gifts" she'd sent me. In return, I send her some "burned cds" of her favorite artists and bands. It was a worthwhile gift. (If you're reading this, you better take care of those cds. Next time, it won't be free... lol)

I've heard that you have a new relationship... congratulations and I wish you all the best in life. Rock and roll and I hope the friendship won't change.

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Fourth Crush (Current)
(I won't risk it, friendship's already been ok)
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I'm currently crushing on this girl. One thing about her is that "she's always cheerful" everytime I see her. Like she's most of the time "laughing" which makes me cheerful and all that. We're not that close but we're still having a friendly relationship. There are many gaps in between but I'm already glad and contented that I get to see her at times and see that "smile". I won't risk the chance; that'd be terrible it THE PAST would happen again.

Thing is: I'm still crushing on her... and currently am. :)


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CONCLUSION
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Having these kinds of feelings ain't bad. There's nothing wrong with it, of course unless, you're taking it too much. You know what they say "The Unexpected always impact us the most" and I still agree with it up to this day.

To all the people I've addressed above (if you happen to read this).. thanks for the inspiration, for the memories, and for the time I've spent with you. It was a worthwhile run, and I'll never forget you. Good luck and may God be with ya all.

Feels good to reminisce all this time. Makes me feel strange about it but it was a worthwhile write.

NO REGRETS AT ALL

NOTE:
I'm sorry if I can't put proper english on this entry. I just feel "strange" when writing this one that I couldn't even write english that well. With the addition that my head's aching all this time.